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Thursday, April 25, 2002


Do's And Don'ts

I think I might have mentioned this once or twice before, but what the heck, I'll do it again. One of my biggest worries when it comes to this blog is that in forty years from now, my grandchildren will read this and say; "My gosh, Grandad complained about weather and work alot didn't he?" So this post tonight is for my future grandkids (should I have any). This way, my offspring (that sounded weird 'offspring', I think I saw a horror movie with that title once) can learn from the vast knowledge that I have accumalated (sp?) in lo my many years on this planet. So, here it is, the 'do's and don'ts' I've learned.

Don't buy those scratch off lottery tickets at convience stores you will never ever no matter how many times you buy them ever win more than a 'free ticket' (which will just cause you to play again and lose that cause you can't get three shamrocks or hearts or whatever on the same little ticket).
Don't attempt to clean your ears out with a q-tip while a cat is on your shoulders. In the event you do this though, do not tell your doctor how you punctured your ear drum. He will laugh at you and tell his nurses who will also laugh at you while you pay your bill.
Do empty the garbage bag in your kitchen and place it in the garbage can outside of the house before you go on vacation in another state for seven days. Oh, please, do remember to do this.
Don't challenge your fourteen year old niece to an arm wrestling match. Cause, she just might beat you, in front of your fiance and all your relatives, and you, as a man, will feel like a wussy.
Do return all your library books on time cause if you don't, than everytime you find a cool book at the library you will have to drag your fiance to the library so she can take the book out so that they (the library) doesn't discover that you have not returned a book (Stephen King's The Dead Zone) that you took out in 1998.
Don't try to see if one of your oven's burners are hot by 'touching it'.
Do make a point of asking for ketchup when you go through the McDonalds drive through cause for some reason they hold onto their ketchup packets like their gold or something.
Don't go to the grocery store after you've called off sick cause you might just meet your boss (who just happens to have the day off) in the fruit and vegtable aisle of your local supermarket.
Do take a nasal decongestant before going to the dental hygenist (sp?) if you are having a 'sneezing issue'. For some reason they don't care much for sneezes when they are two and a half inches from your nose and cleaning your molars.
Don't assume that all restrooms have ample toilet paper. Don't assume this. Please, for the love of God, assume this!
Do Do remind your parents (on their birthday) that they were born during Truman's first administration (cause, thats just fun!)
Don't Feed your cat kidney beans (Cats love kidney beans!). He (or she) might want to sleep with you in your bedroom. And their metabolism is so much quicker than ours. So much faster.
Do Order popcorn and a soda when you got to a movie theatre. For some reason, I just can't get enough of movie theatre popcorn and soda (especially during the previews for other movies). What the %#& us up with that?
Don't Go to Blockbuster unless you know exactly what you want to rent. Otherwise you will walk up and down the aisles for an hour and a half not knowing what to rent, and finally deciding on two or three movies which you find out later completley stink.
Don't trust any guy that drives a van.
Do trust any girl that drives a mini-van.
Don't go into the grocery store express lane with more than ten items. If you do, you stink, and a pox on your family.

4/25/2002 08:27:00 PM
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