Some people are born great, and some people have greatness thrust upon them. And then there's people like me. Who pretty much just muddle through the day hoping nothing bad happens, that we don't trip on our own feet in front of a crowd too much, or pump seven dollars worth of gas into the car when we only have $6.50 in our pockets, or sneeze amongst a group of people and not have tissue handy (oh it sucks when that happens). Well, to prove that some of us are definatly not born to greatness, I give you these two instances, are they true stories? Well, unfortunatly, they are way too true.
So, about two months ago we're watching, on TNT, Better Off Dead with John Cusack. Well, this movie was hilarious! And I thought to myself, I so need to get a copy of this video. (Because when TNT shows a really great movie its like a year til they show it again unless they are going to show it fifiteen times in one night). Well, I go to Blockbuster and they of course don't have the movie. I check out KMART and WalMart and they don't have it either. By now I am in a "I have to have this movie!" frenzy. So I turn to EBAY. (Why I just didn't go to Amazon dot com I don't know, but, well, lets not take the easy way anywhere). And I put "Better Off Dead" into their search thingy. Boom! or Bam! there's like ten people selling a copy of this movie. I notice one says "Better Off Dead, Directors Picture". The rest just advertize the movie. So I'm thinking, my gosh, the directors cut? I have to have that! There's usually like a ton of extra footage and other stuff. And the really great thing about it was, while the rest of the stuff was listed at like ten dollars a piece, this one was only listed for $3.45. Okay, so you have to understand at this point in time I MUST HAVE THIS MOVIE NOW!!!! Not later, NOW!!!! If you are familar with Ebay you have to wait til the auction is over (and its usually always a week away or something) to see if you are the highest bidder. Well, I decided, what the heck, I'll see if I can't skip that. So I email the seller and say: "If you stop the auction now, I will pay pal you $30.00 for the item." And I say I don't have time to wait for the auction to be over and if he doesn't want to do that I'll just find it somewhere else. Well, he emails me back and says sure, PAY PAL me the money and its yours. So I do. He tells me I should have it in a few days. So two days later I am sitting in the living room (eating a Taco Bell Gordita and watching MASH on FX, don't ask me why that sticks out in my memory, it just does) and the door bell rings. I go to the door and its the mail man (who annoyingly rings the doorbell when he has mail for you). Well he hands me my mail and a big manila folder with a bunch of stamps on it addressed to me from Massachusetts (sp?). I notice under my name in the address place is "Better Off Dead Picture, Do Not Bend", and I'm like, "What the (expletive deleted)?" Well I open it up (carefully so I don't bend) and there is this 8 by 10 glossy photo of this guy named Steve Holland. Who is Steve Holland? He's the director of "Better Off Dead". Cause you see, I spent $30 dollars for the "Better Off Dead Directors Picture". Yea. And was I ripped off in the legal sense? No, of course not. I didn't bother to read the details of the auction. No wonder the seller jumped on it like a hobo on a ham sandwhich. Oh yea, the picture was autographed by Steve Holland himself. How many other major motion pictures did Steve Holland direct? Zero.
Okay, this may be my longest post ever, but what the heck, its not like I am not super bored right now. I could shut off the computer and go downstairs and watch the mating patterns of the Florida Manatee on the Discovery Channel. Of course if I did that, I would deny my grandkids (should I ever have kids that create other kids) the thrill of learning how their grandad darn near peed himself on April 17th.
April 17th, 7:55 AM I pick up my coworker Marco at his house to take him to work. Marco's car is in for inspection and needs like a billion dollars worth of work so Marco is out a car for a week or so.
8:25 AM I drop Marco off at work and think briefly that maybe I should go inside and use the bathroom cause I think I have to pee. (You know, that feeling you get when you are not going to be near a place to pee so you better pee now. Well, I figure, I'll be home in 30 minutes I can hold it for that long.
8:40 AM Twenty minutes from home, I have the "I kind of have to pee" feeling, but thats okay, traffic is going cool, and I'll be home in twenty minutes. My gosh, there is even a good song on the radio, that happens like once every ten years.
8:43 AM I notice that, about ten minutes from my freeway exit, traffic is starting to stack up, and we are starting to slow down. I don't think much of it, traffic is weird, it bunches up all the time for no reason at all. I'm sure I'll be back at 65MPH in a minute or so. Which is good, cause, I'm starting to think that I really have to pee.
8:45 AM I am so not going 65MPH. As a matter of fact I am going ZERO miles an hour. Traffic is at a dead stop. And I'm thinking, maybe I should have went to the bathroom when I dropped Marco off.
9:01 AM I have not moved an inch (I know this cause I put the car in park). And still traffic is backed up. I turn the radio on (was listening to a John Cougar tape) to see if the radio traffic report is on. Of course there is no traffic report, but I do get to listen to "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna on the station that usually has a lot of traffic reports.
9:06 AM Traffic has not moved an inch. I'm starting to look around at the other drivers to see if they are as pissed as I am. Everyone else seems to be not pissed at all, which seems to piss me off a little more. And by now I am doing the 'rapid leg shifts' cause I so really have to pee RIGHT NOW!
9:12 AM Traffic has not moved at all I notice the lady in the car behind me is smoking a cigarette and reading a magazine. My knees are knocking together and I'm thinking I wish on the sides of the freeway there were trees or bushes or something so that I could jump out real quick and take care of business. Of course there isn't.I'm starting to hate the world and hate myself for not having gone to the bathroom when I dropped Marco off. I'm also starting to hate Marco because all this is his fault too.
9:20 AM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! WHY WON'T THIS F&%*&%* TRAFFIC MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:25 AM Traffic moves ahead by about ten feet, and I am thinking, my God, it will be over soon!
9:31 AM Traffic has not moved at all in the last six minutes.
9:40 AM I look frantically around the car for something to pee in. I find nothing. The traffic report comes on the radio, it says there are no major tie ups anywhere, that there are no major accidents and traffic is moving smoothly in all north and south bound corridors.
9:51 AM The car has moved ahead only about seven feet and I start thinking, well, I might just have to pee myself. I mean, it will be uncomfortable, but it would feel so good to relieve this pressure. It would feel so good to relieve this pressure.
10:01 AM I hate everything and all the people around me. They all suck. I have to pee so bad and there is not a goddamn person around me doing anything to help me and I wish they would all die cause they suck especially that lady behind me who is still reading her stupid magazine and that stupid dumb dork in the truck next to me singing along to the music he is listening too, I bet they all thought to pee before this stupid traffic mess and I hate them all!!!!!!!!!
10:04 AM My urge to pee has somehow gone into remission. I feel okay.
10:05 AM I HAVE TO F#%#^%#^ING PEE RIGHT F%#^%#^# NOW!!!!!!!
10:06 AM Remission over. I have to piss like a race horse. And I feel a sudden urge to cry. I really want to cry.
10:12 AM "Well, you know, if you did pee (and relieve this incredible freaking pressure!!!!) no one would be the wiser. Who would know? You would feel so good! The pressure would be gone!"
10:13 AM I bang my head off the steering wheel. Traffic moves five more feet. I accept the fact that I am just going to have to pee myself. I take my windbreaker from the back seat and begin positioning it under myself (I do have a new car you know). I actually start feeling good about myself, cause, you know, it will soon be over! As soon as I get the windbreaker under myself I will be sitting in my own pee and I will feel better!
10:14 AM Somehow, someway, I realize to myself, that my gosh, just hold off for five minutes. If traffic has not moved at all in five minutes that just go ahead and do it. It was meant to be. (You know, it was just meant to be that I pee myself).
10:20 AM I try to pee myself, but something holds me back, just barely.
10:22 AM Traffic starts moving.
Okay, after that, I was home in ten minutes. I don't know what caused the tie up. All I know is that when I got home it was the greatest relief I have ever felt in my life.